


Lorenz Hosts a Party

by HoneyNutFemios93



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Crack, Choking, Crack Relationships, Crack Treated Seriously, Fire Emblem: Three Houses Black Eagles Route, Fire Emblem: Three Houses Golden Deer Route, Fluff and Crack, Fraternization, Gen, Muscles, Near Death Experiences, Pool Party, Pre-Timeskip | Academy Phase (Fire Emblem: Three Houses), Punching, Slapstick, Swimming Pools, Swimsuits, Thighs, Violence, Wrestling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-08
Updated: 2020-03-08
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:14:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23063023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HoneyNutFemios93/pseuds/HoneyNutFemios93
Summary: Professor Hanneman overhears Lorenz is having a party at his house and Jeritza von Hrym and Flayn would be in the same place together. Will he be able to confront the students about this deadly scenario?
Relationships: Acheron (Fire Emblem) & Lorenz Hellman Gloucester, Edelgard von Hresvelg & Claude von Riegan, Flayn & Jeritza von Hrym, Manuela Casagranda & Hanneman von Essar, My Unit | Byleth & Everyone
Comments: 8
Kudos: 7





	Lorenz Hosts a Party

**Author's Note:**

> I described the Paralogue "Land of the Golden Deer" to my Mom totally differently than what actually happened. Luckily making Crack AUs like this exist.

Lorenz Hosts A Party

_-_-_-_

Byleth asked for both the Black Eagles AND the Golden Deer Houses. Though Lady Rhea was surprised, it meant that Sothis was greedier than she thought. She accepted her request, though the results were rather… Interesting. Mercedes, Annette and Ashe of the Blue Lions were later pulled into the madness, Constance von Nuvelle of the Ashen Wolves immediately afterwards, Cyril tagged along with some persuasion from Shamir, and Flayn afterwards was pulled into the class after being rescued. Byleth was a dedicated teacher, and Rhea was proud to see her train her students so vigorously and yet so gently. 

The class was tired. Like really tired. Hot tea wasn't going to do any good. Even the kids that needed flavor in their water were guzzling ice cold water for weeks on end after training. If Claude and Hubert noticed, they were somehow oddly fit enough to even lift logs that towered them in height when they were still trees. It wasn't long when Lorenz finally had the appetite for tea. It was after Flayn was finally as strong as at least Linhardt with her punches. 

Cyril, his arms beefed up from his work out, was carrying a letter in his fortunately still tiny boy hands. He offered it to Lorenz, his arms also oddly toned. If Hanneman didn't know any better, he would think everyone was training under Captain Jeralt, their bodies lean and dexterous enough to still be teenagers, but full of muscle to see they were not slacking off at all. He was pretty sure even the lax natured Hilda had toned abdominal muscles underneath her school uniform. He did a spit take when Byleth approached, her abs being the most beefed up of the group (even more beefed up than Raphael). 

"Ah! My Father is going to be out on Alliance business! He wants me to tend to the mansion while he is gone! Shall we host a welcoming party in Flayn's honor?" Lorenz asked. 

"Sure. I think you deserve a keg of beer for us to drink to."

Hanneman did a spit take. 

"Professor! I mean, I did consider doing a wine-tasting while we are having this party but… BEER? That is a little too pedestrian, is it not?" Lorenz's eyes widened to his teacher's proposition. 

"Only if you are a coward. Besides, Edelgard wanted to invite a special guest for us to let join our classes. Consider it HIS apology to Flayn, and to Mercedes." 

Hanneman's eyes widened. Is he aware of his presence? 

"I was hoping to get your approval, but you really want to make this party something else, don't you, Professor? Very well. I'll allow the old fencing instructor into House Gloucester. But if he draws blood within my walls, he's out."

Hanneman was about to run towards Lady Rhea only to see Flayn, now just as beefed up as Cyril and began to pause. 

"The Professor is going to make me 'kick ass'! I am so excited to finally defeat Jeritza in combat! I am going to train with Raphael so I can at least leave a bruise!"

Oh… So Flayn already knows she is going to meet Jeritza again. He may as well make sure it doesn't actually lead to bloodshed. If it does, he is sure to at least report it to Seteth, who would frown upon such violent parties. 

"By the way, Professor Hanneman, I suggest you start drinking milk to keep your bones healthy! And stay away from grains until after training! That's why I have been eating my fish with extra macaroni and cheese these past few weeks with Professor Byleth!" Flayn flexed pridefully as she observed that the Professor was paying attention to her. 

Yeah… He also definitely needs to make sure she doesn't turn into a miniature Raphael at this party. 

_-_-_-_

Hanneman needed Alois in case things got too hairy at the party. Unfortunately he couldn't find Alois right away. He had to settle with the next person with beef with Jeritza. 

"What? You really think that Flayn is going to face Jeritza again?" Manuela gasped when Hanneman approached her with the information he has gathered.

"Yes. I have witnessed Lorenz and Byleth talking about hosting a party serving alcohol at the Gloucester Estate. We need to be sure that the students don't get too reckless at their little party… Especially if they're as reckless as  _ you _ ."

Manuela made a stink-eye at his comment, "Listen, I'll only help YOU by making sure Jeritza doesn't go further than he did when he first abducted her. I am more surprised you haven't asked Seteth to join you."

"Well, I felt like if I did bring Seteth, Flayn would do something to me with her… bulging tríceps."

"Bulging triceps? It's only been two weeks! What has the Professor been giving her?!" Manuela was now thinking Hanneman was the drunk one. 

"You just need to see it to believe it, Manuela," Hanneman coughed. 

After a couple days on horseback, lo and behold music was being played at a loud volume for Hanneman and Manuela to see. They peeked over the mansion's gates and saw that there was indeed a keg of beer and a few bottles of wine lying around on a white-clothed dinner table. There were also fried meats, sweet treats, and what looked to be cheese flavored savory biscuits that Manuela once brought over from a seafood restaurant. The party was booming, with flexed muscles, girls AND boys wearing provocative swimwear at the pool and of course, a fighter's circle where who else but Flayn was throwing punches at Jeritza von Hrym, in a frilly one-piece swimsuit that really suited her child-like personality. 

"Unbelievable! Flayn is going to get herself killed! Why isn't anyone stopping her?" Hanneman gasped. 

"Actually, my money is on Flayn finally giving him his come-uppance. Look at how that girl has grown!" Manuela purred as she finally got to see for herself how Flayn changed from the damsel in distress to a dangerous dame with thighs that somehow to maneuver themselves around Jeritza's neck, strangling him. 

"There we go, Flayn! Use that trick you saw Petra do to Ferdinand in the last fight! That's using your noggin and paying attention!" Claude bellowed excitedly from the pool. 

Jeritza slammed his hands on the floor, calling for a time out. Hanneman saw the black-eye he managed to get from Flayn previously. 

"Alright, Jeritza! Before I can let you out of this hold, I want you to promise me you'll repent for your sins!" Flayn yelled, her thighs clenching his neck tightly as Jeritza moaned. 

"To think you were the sweet little girl who fainted in my arms… Oh how you've become deadlier than I thought!" Jeritza's moans were raspy, as he was gasping for air, but Manuela squealed like an excited schoolgirl as he also sounded like he was in the throes of ecstasy from slowly dying in Flayn's legs. 

"Repent! Ask for forgiveness from the Goddess!" Flayn started to panic as Jeritza had a dreamy look in his eyes, as if she was making a deadly mistake. 

"I'm about to see her, aren't I? Very well… Take me to her and I will." Jeritza was actually embracing his death, his mea culpa still not present. 

Flayn let go as Jeritza felt life come back into his lungs again (with a disappointed look on his face). It took a minute as Flayn's hand was lifted up by Anna. 

"And the winner is Flayn, daughter of Seteth and the guest of honor!" Anna announced as the party's guest cheered. 

Jeritza let another gloomy sigh escape him as Flayn bowed. 

"I am very sorry, Jeritza! I promised my brother I wouldn't end a life without him present to see it!" Flayn was feeling worry for Jeritza's well-being despite everything.

"You and the Professor have given me such a rush of adrenaline. I wish to fight like this again very soon. I hope next time you don't hold back!" Jeritza looked at Flayn with his new desire and longing. Hanneman knew that maybe it wasn't a good idea for Flayn to fight Jeritza after all. 

"I wonder who is the next contestant to these little tussles!" Manuela purred as Hanneman shook his head. 

"What makes me upset is that no one has been utilizing the Crests they were all born with! They're just brutishly rough-housing in their training instead of using proper weapons! What if Jeritza had his magic and weapons utilized in that fight? He'll surely kill her!" 

Hanneman's concerns for the students were interrupted with an announcement from Byleth. 

"Everyone. I have an announcement to make!" Byleth declared. 

"Oh? What is it, Professor?" Flayn asked. 

"I believe the bonding we have made with our muscles will be sure to make the eventual bonds with the Alliance and the Empire a very powerful bond. Having Claude and Edelgard discuss matters on what is truly going on also made room for allowing enemies become great friends. With that said, Lady Rhea has a--"

She was interrupted by an uninvited guest with a haughty nobleman's laugh step in. 

"Are you blaspheming against the Archbishop? Lorenz, I didn't think you were going to associate with such heretical guests! Clearly I thought wrong!" The man said. 

Hanneman and Manuela looked at each other in the bushes. 

Lorenz was in the water at this time and he was peeved. 

"I can't WAIT to take these lands from you once I notify the rest of the Alliance that you are planning a conspiracy against the… Arch…"

Acheron watched as Lorenz emerged from the waters of the pool ready to deck the shit out of him. Acheron was rendered speechless by how much muscle Lorenz gained at the Academy. Flayn couldn't help but cover her mouth as Lorenz approached Acheron, Acheron was already flying across the yard. 

Hanneman's eyes widened. 

"H-how in the world did you become such a violent brute, Lorenz Hellman Gloucester?!" Acheron shrieked. 

"Hey! No one insults my students!" Byleth snapped as she grabbed the Sword of the Creator and aimed the tip of her blade at Acheron's face. 

"Aaaaah! Please don't kill me!!" Acheron wept. 

"Kill you? Oh, I won't kill you… Jeritza. Want to sate the Death Knight's murder boner?" Byleth asked him. 

Jeritza said nothing as he was stopped by Lorenz. 

"Wait a moment! We can't kill him immediately! He is still an important member of the alliance!" Lorenz shook his head. 

"Well, he's going to leak everything to the Alliance!" Edelgard approached the team, her body toned from the workouts as well. 

"Not to worry, Lady Edelgard. We have ways of keeping him quiet on our end," Hubert chuckled, his muscles making him even more menacing than before. 

"How so?" Edelgard asked worried. 

"Here's a deal! We have Linhardt fight Acheron! If Acheron wins, we let him spill the beans!" Claude interjected, "and if Lord Acheron loses, he will have to admit defeat and send a letter to House Hevring with 10 Large Bullions. It'll benefit the Empire AND he'll keep quiet for a while."

"W-what?!" Acheron shrieked. 

"It should be fine! Linhardt's punches HAVE been on the wimpy side lately," Caspar, Linhardt's friend chuckled. 

"Ugh. Way to out me! I am not usually one for violence BUT if you all insist, I will give him a brawl to remember me by," Linhardt was in the water as well, just trying to relax. 

"Hahaha… Very well then! Show me what you got, ya wimp!" Acheron laughed, "Your fisticuffs are no match for my…"

Another event of Linhardt pulling out of the water and Acheron staring at how well endowed Linhardt was with his muscles made him want to do a spit-take with a drink. But instead his jaw dropped. 

"Let's get this over with," Linhardt sighed begrudgingly as he cracked his knuckles. 

Acheron attempted to shoot fireballs at him but they did as much damage as a mosquito bite. Linhardt couldn't help but laugh it off. 

"Is that all you got, old man?" 

Acheron shrieked as he was decked across the yard again, this time, he bounced off Raphael's biceps like a tennis ball hitting a racket. He landed into the pool, with his face first in Ignatz's biceps. 

"O-oh my! I am terribly sorry! I didn't think you couldn't put up a fight!" Ignatz squeaked as Acheron looked up and saw a once shy, demure, geeky looking face connected to a muscle-donned body. 

Acheron went down like a ton of bricks, though luckily he was only unconscious. 

Hanneman and Manuela proceeded to scream and let the students spot them. 

"More snitches? Time to get stitches!" Caspar yelled at the top of his lungs. 

_-_-_-_

"Hanneman, are you feeling alright? This isn't like you to wallow." Seteth frowned as he watched Hanneman sip his tea awkwardly, shaken with what he just witnessed at Gloucester territory. 

"O-Oh! It is nothing! I just… Had a bit of a nightmare! It was about the Death Knight!" Hanneman lied. 

"Don't worry, Professor. Once we find Jeritza, we will convict him of his crimes and he will bear the name no more!" Seteth crossed his arms. 

_ Your sister already kind of did that though using her thighs,  _ Hanneman wanted to say, but he didn't need Seteth to hear that. He still saw her as a darling little angel that could do no wrong. But Hanneman knew better. 

"Rrrrraaaaaaaaaa!! Hyaaaaaaaaa!!"

"Uuuuurraaaaghh! Gruuuuaaaaaaargh!!"

Hanneman shuddered as he heard Flayn and Raphael sparring just outside. He was scared. He really didn't want Seteth to see what Flayn had become…

_-_-_-_-_


End file.
